Dealing With Your Enemies

Enemies, enemies, enemies. From all the e-mail I get asking me about how to deal with them, how to deceive them, how to destroy them, and how to ruin their homemade tomato sauce, I got to figure there are thousands of little Napoleons out there causing a lot of damage I didn't know about, because I can't get how so many people have so many enemies.

I've mentioned that the key to dealing with enemies is to destroy them, leaving no room for retaliation. This is best said by Machiavelli: "For it must be noted, that men must either be caressed or else annihilated; they will revenge themselves for small injuries, but cannot do so for great ones; the injury therefore that we do to a man must be such that we need not fear his revenge."

That said, I'm a practical kind of guy, and I know that not everyone is in the type of situation where annihilating enemies is possible, as it might be in my Famiglia .

So, sometimes you can't send your enemies packing to hell's gates, you can't make a deposit in the East River, and you can't offer someone the gift of cement shoes. Sometimes, you have to deal with cafones that make your life miserable, because circumstances (and maybe the law too) don't let you ice your headaches.

For those circumstances, let me give you a quick rundown on how to deal with opponents when destroying them is not an option:

1- Make time to plan your revenge

If, for whatever reason, you have to wait because the consequences of immediate action against your enemy outweigh the benefits, use that time to perfect your plan to destroy him or seek revenge. Make your plans bolder, colder, crueler, and use the time to make your enemy feel a false sense of security before the dump truck falls on his head. Don't sulk and complain. Think of it as an opportunity to fine-tune your master plan.

2- Don't publicize your beefs

Nothing brings your enemies out of the woodwork faster than a public act of disrespect. Deal with your enemy smartly by revealing your beefs only to your closest circle of associates. You never know whose ears your enemy has. You don't want more eyes on the street watching out for you. So keep your mouth shut, and don't go making empty threats.


3- Don't let them get to you
Always remain cool. Don't let yourself get distracted from everything else you have going on in your life. Don't let your business go down the toilet. Don't neglect the wife or the mistress. Don't run around scared like a little girl. Don't let your enemy get under your skin. Pick your battles wisely. But don't let yourself be disrespected either. Sure, you can't go blowing your temper at every little provocation, but there is a line for everyone. As long as the line is not crossed (even if it's stepped on), stay cool.

4- Keep them close
When you can't annihilate your enemies, join them. Sort of. Let them think you are joining them. Befriend them. Get closer. There is no easier way to keep tabs on your fiercest opponent than to be right next to him. I'd rather see the barrel of a gun in front of me than wonder if it's behind me all the time. Same applies to your enemies.

When your teen has a drug problem

Discovering your child uses drugs can generate fear, confusion, and anger in parents. It’s important to remain calm when confronting your teen, and only do so when everyone is sober. Explain your concerns and make it clear that your concern comes from a place of love. It’s important that your teen feels you are supportive.

Five steps parents can take:

    * Lay down rules and consequences. Your teen should understand that using drugs comes with specific consequences. But don’t make hollow threats or set rules that you cannot enforce. Make sure your spouse agrees with the rules and is prepared to enforce them.
    * Monitor your teen’s activity. Know where your teen goes and who he or she hangs out with. It’s also important to routinely check potential hiding places for drugs—in backpacks, between books on a shelf, in DVD cases or make-up cases, for example. Explain to your teen that this lack of privacy is a consequence of him or her having been caught using drugs.
    * Encourage other interests and social activities. Expose your teen to healthy hobbies and activities, such as team sports and afterschool clubs.
    * Talk to your child about underlying issues. Drug use can be the result of other problems. Is your child having trouble fitting in? Has there been a recent major change, like a move or divorce, which is causing stress?
    * Get Help. Teenagers often rebel against their parents but if they hear the same information from a different authority figure, they may be more inclined to listen. Try a sports coach, family doctor, therapist, or drug counselor.

When a loved one has a drug problem

If you suspect that a friend or family member has a drug problem, here are a few things you can do:

    * Speak up. Talk to the person about your concerns, and offer your help and support, without being judgmental. The earlier addiction is treated, the better. Don’t wait for your loved one to hit bottom! Be prepared for excuses and denial by listing specific examples of your loved one’s behavior that has you worried.
    * Take care of yourself. Don’t get so caught up in someone else’s drug problem that you neglect your own needs. Make sure you have people you can talk to and lean on for support. And stay safe. Don’t put yourself in dangerous situations.
    * Avoid self-blame. You can support a person with a substance abuse problem and encourage treatment, but you can’t force an addict to change. You can’t control your loved one’s decisions. Let the person accept responsibility for his or her actions, an essential step along the way to recovery for drug addiction.